Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT