Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.