We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
need a new bf mines broken 😐
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know