We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
WWE is French for “yes”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.