We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
is losing your mind a hobby?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down