Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”