We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
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Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
The Weeknd is back
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.