We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”