We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out