We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
☺️
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day