We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.