We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Finally, an explanation.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Never deleting this app.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I didn’t come here to be called names
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious