We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
This joke is 7 years old
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing