Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….