We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
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This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
good for her
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.