Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Save a reindeer.

Ride a Canadian.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.