Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.