We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*ernest hemingway voice*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
What is going on? 😅
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I would like even faster food.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training