Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

Don’t forget to tip your server

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

*offers Batman cough drops*

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

Buying a well is money well spent.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

getting old is fun

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.