We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Smells like a challenge to me
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!