Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

Meanwhile in Canada…

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

One venti cheeseburger please.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it