We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me