Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

Meth is short for Elizameth.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.