Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.