We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?