@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

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@BoogTweets

Mom: Your son still won’t do his laundry. Talk to him
Dad: I’m not going in there
Mom: Why
Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks

@ruff_bluffs

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

@kdimerc

A tip for those of us who work at screens all day:

1. Unclench your jaw
2. Twist your torso from side to side
3. Arch backwards til you’re upside down with your hands and feet on the floor
4. Laugh
5. Spider crawl across the room
6. Devour someone whole
7. Haunt the witnesses

@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

@mommajessiec

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

@Marlebean

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

@wolfpupy

cat: mew
me: actually its about games in journalism
*cat continues to ask for food*

@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.