I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.