We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
You Might Also Like
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words