We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.