We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.