We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body