We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.