Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

January is the Mondayest month of the year

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.