We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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Social distancing in Australia:
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.