we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Finally!
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.