we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
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Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!