
Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
It’s not really murder if you’re already dead to me.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.