We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.