@peterjames48

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

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@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.

@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@MNateShyamalan

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

@sheseemslegit

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.