@peterjames48: We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, "Good for him."
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@WheelTod: Son: “I hurt my foot” Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?” Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters” Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
@brianbowman73: I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn't very strong.
@FrazzleMyGimp: [christmas] BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome! ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
@ClamDive: Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says "Previously on wasted potential..."