@awesomeseank Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
@peterjames48 We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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@awesomeseank 
@hipstermermaid 10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
@KylePlantEmoji Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
@liv_thatsme Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.
@sickipediabot My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,
“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”
@marcia_bee Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be.
Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit?
Serious inquiries only.
@davidkenny100 *screaming as if in agony at a wedding
*rubs throat
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
@shutupmay she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
@amazymay72x no, dont go there
dont touch that
no, leave it alone
keep your hands off!
a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)
@Caissie Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.