Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
ME: she exclaimed
ME: she was speechless
Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
It’s not really murder if you’re already dead to me.
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.