@WheelTod: Son: “I hurt my foot” Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?” Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters” Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

@brianbowman73: I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn't very strong.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [christmas] BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome! ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

@ClamDive: Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says "Previously on wasted potential..."

@THEDUTHCHESS: *gets into any creepy van* *Gets kicked out*