We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.