We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
next question.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.