Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.