Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today