Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

A dad and his duck

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car