Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

So creative 😂

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

you stereotypes are all alike

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before