Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.