Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*