We got caught Brian, just act normal..
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
When they try to steal your moment.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.