We got caught Brian, just act normal..
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.