We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Well. That’s not a good sign.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Got him!
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.