We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Sooo many times…..
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I self medicate, therefore you live.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me