Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

58.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag