We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”