We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man