Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

My current situation

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

I put the hot in psychotic.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.