We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
never ask a starfish for directions
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower