We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
well this is just bullshirt
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
💀🤣
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so