Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.