We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick