We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?