We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”