We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth