We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?