We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Your honor these allegations are
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.