We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.