Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH