We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Feb: I have 28 days this month.
Jan: I had 28 days each week.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.