We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
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she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Don’t touch that.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.