Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.