We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
Two types of dogs.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different