Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Unmatched

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Google Pay be like: