We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.