We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
You Might Also Like
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I can’t stop watching this.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.